Dear Diary – Are my tour demands too high?

I don’t think so. Do you?

-Private Jet

-No Press/Media Commitments

-No communication with manager/s unless absolutely necessary

-Hot Gay Bodyguards

-5 star accommadation w/ 24/7 internet access (in order to hire local tricks)

-Full Time Dog Minder/Walker/Feeder

-Full time Massage Therapist and Osteopath on Call

-24/7 Access to Psychotherapist

-Tour Assistant with sole responsibility of lining up fucks/tricks/pricks in each city

-Tour Assistant with sole responsibility of identifying local Starbucks & purchasing Venti Non-Fat Frappuccino

-Hair Stylist prepared to wax, pluck and bleach unwanted body hair

-Balaclava Handler

-Make Up Artist with no other commitments than apply and re-apply before, during and after each set/break and before leaving hotels/planes/between fucks.

-Widescreen TV with Sky box available at any time with pre-recorded EastEnders, This Morning, Richard & Judy, gay porn and various other programmes of interest.

-Personal Arse-Fondler (hey, J-Lo has a nipple-guy!)

-Personal Ego Wank provider before going on stage

-Qualified Neumann U49 microphone polisher

-Part Time Purveyor and Spliff Roller

-Full Time tour photographer and Mini DV handler – must be fully abreast on The Talent’s photographic preferences.

-Full Time Liaison between Kenny Goss & myself when Kenny is busy wining and dining Ms Halliwell/friends/family/fans/press or partaking in weekly botox injections/necessary work-outs to keep up with me

-Full Time Personal Fitness Trainer: Must be attractive, highly skilled in body work and willing to prompt suitable diet – and with stamina to say no when The Talent gets the munchies on Doritos, Hagen Dazs icecream and/or pasta

-Full Time Teeth Bleacher

-Part Time Tea Brewer and Lemon Squeezer for daily intake of tea and water with fresh lemon juice

-Part time Linguist for the purpose of teaching The Talent to say Hola Barcelona, Hei Oslo, etc when going onstage in different countries to connect with crowd in their respective language.

I got some complaints. Why why why!? I am not a diva!

King George x